Lesson Learned
by Narilka
Summary: I do not own Bleach. Ichigo makes a mess and Uryu's not about to put up with it. One-shot, supposed to be funny


Uryu regarded his kitchen grimly. Being the fastidious person he was, the carelessly strewn towers of what, he _assumed_, were his dishes did not sit well with him.

"I leave for two days and this is what happens?" He muttered glasses flashing dangerously when he noticed the take out boxes overflowing from the trash can.

With grim determination he marched over to the phone and dialed the familiar number.

"Chad? It's Uryu. The trip was fine. My house is not." Uryu paused glaring hatefully at what looked like a banana peel peeking out from under his sofa. "I think it's time for Ichigo to learn a lesson in house cleaning."

There was silence on the other end as Chad mulled that over.

"Go ahead and drop by. This, I think, you should see for yourself." Uryu said since he himself had not believed one person could create so much chaos.

"What happened?" Chad asked wide eyed as he surveyed the wreckage that was Uryu's apartment.

"Judging by the evidence… a sorority moved in over the weekend." Uryu said with more than a touch of disdain.

"I don't normally side against Ichigo, but this is ridiculous." Chad said soberly. "This place looks like a nuclear disaster area."

"Mm." Uryu agreed his disgust plain to see. "It's nothing short of horrifying."

"How are you going to get Ichigo to fix this?" Chad wondered aloud spying that same banana peel peeking out from under the couch.

"Actually that's where you come in." Uryu adjusted his glasses. "I was hoping you wouldn't mind putting me up for a while."

"That's fine." Chad said with a casual shrug.

"I'm going to leave Kurosaki a note." Uryu gave his once pristine apartment a despairing look.

Ichigo groaned as he climbed out of bed. "Never again. I am never going out drinking with Renji and Ikkaku _ever _again."

Ichigo shuffled into the bathroom like a zombie from a poorly funded horror film. He splashed water on his face to kick start his brain.

"Shit, this already feels like a Monday." He scowled at his reflection.

He staggered back into the bedroom intent on a few more hours of blissful sleep. He crawled back into the bed and just when he was comfortable it hit him.

"Uryu's due back today!" Ichigo tried to throw off the covers and get out of bed.

He wound up in a tangled heap on the floor.

"Damn it!" He hissed struggling to fight his way free.

After several minutes of tussling and a few choice cuss words later he managed to free himself. With an indignant huff he threw the covers back on the bed haphazardly.

"Three o'clock?" Ichigo stared at the clock in disbelief. "I slept all day? Why didn't Uryu wake me up?"

"I'm so happy your home Uryu!" Orihime beamed at him. She put her finger to her chin thoughtfully. "But why aren't you with Ichigo?"

"Kurosaki needs some domestic retraining." Uryu stated dryly.

"He needs…what?" Orihime asked baffled.

"I took some pictures." Chad handed her his phone.

"Wow, what a mess!" Orihime said flipping through some pictures before she recognized a certain white coverlet with blue Quincy crosses patterned on it. "Uryu? Is this… your apartment?"

"After two days in Kurosaki's care." He affirmed lips pressed into a thin line.

"I never thought Ichigo was so…" Orihime search for a nice way to put it.

"Slovenly?" Chad supplied accepting his phone.

"Yeah." Orihime said gratefully. "He really did all that in just two days?"

"Apparently." Uryu murmured derisively. "Which is why I'm staying with Chad until he cleans up that… mess."

"Ichigo will be really sad without you." Orihime said with a small frown.

"Think of it as motivation." Uryu shrugged. "If he misses me he'll clean it up that much faster."

"Oh! So then he won't do it again next time!" Orihime beamed.

"Damn it!" Ichigo curse rereading the note Uryu left.

Kurosaki,

To say that I am unimpressed with your housekeeping skills would be a waste of my time as it is apparent that you possess none. When I left this apartment the floor was clean enough you could eat off it. Now it looks like you **have** been eating off it and left the dishes there to prove it. I **will not** tolerate this Disaster. You may contact me at Chad's when you've restored order to my home.

Uryu Ishida

"He wrote disaster with a capital D." Ichigo muttered glaring balefully at the floor. "And he used my last name, damn it, I knew I shouldn't have let Renji and Ikkaku crash here."

Ichigo rubbed his neck as he ruefully began gathering up dishes and stacking them neatly in the sink. "I should have listened to Zangetsu and washed this stuff after we used it."

With a long suffering sigh he rolled up his sleeves and went to work on the dishes.

"Chad, whatever happened to that mod soul that lives here?" Uryu frowned noticing the stuffed toy was gone.

"Nova is undergoing some tests at Urahara's." Chad explained. "It has something to do with making the gigai more efficient."

"I wondered since Orihime didn't have hers here either." Uryu said staking the dishes neatly in the drying rack.

"I wonder how long it will take Ichigo to clean up that mess." Chad mused.

"You never know with Kurosaki." Uryu said offhandedly. "Some things he does at warp drive while others he approaches at a snail's pace."

"Warp drive?" Chad commented. "I didn't know you watched Star Trek."

"It's one of the few series I tolerate." Uryu said with a grin.

"I like to watch Dr. McCoy and Spock fight." Chad said with a small smile. "Kind of reminds me of you and Ichigo."

"Original series has its high points, but I prefer The Next Generation." Uryu seated himself opposite his friend so they could continue that discussion.

"I like the Original series and Next Generation movies the best." Chad confided.

"I actually saw all the movies first before I started collecting the series." Uryu told him with a sheepish grin.

"I didn't even know what they were until I saw an episode of Deep Space Nine one day." Chad confided.

"I like that one too." Uryu said enthusiastically. "Especially after Lt. Warf gets married."

"Have you seen the new Star Trek Enterprise?" Chad asked. "It's not very good."

"I made the mistake of watching it one day." Uryu frowned. "It was horrible."

"It's weird how everything on the ship looks so sleek and new when it's supposed to be a prequel." Chad said explaining his dislike.

"I thought so too." Uryu nodded in agreement. "You would think that the set designers would at least make it look more like the control panels on the Original series."

Before Chad could answer there was an insistent banging at his door.

"Ichigo's here." Chad stood up and let his friend in.

Ichigo scowled at his boyfriend who was rather pointedly ignoring him.

"Damn it, Uryu! You could have at least woke me up and told me what you wanted done!" Ichigo growled flopping down next to the silent archer.

"And what purpose would that serve, Kurosaki?" Uryu asked coolly.

"I cleaned up the stupid apartment until it freaking shines so stop calling me by my last name." Ichigo hissed out.

"I'd like to believe you _Kurosaki_." Uryu said with emphasis. "Then again I'd also like to believe you didn't defile the apartment in two days' time."

"Renji and Ikkaku helped!" Ichigo cried out defensively.

"Is that so?" Uryu asked silkily.

"Shit." Ichigo whispered recognizing that look. "Look Uryu, can we just go home? I haven't seen you in almost three days now!"

"And whose fault is that, I wonder?" Uryu gave him a look.

Ichigo grimaced. "Okay, I get it sheesh. Lesson learned, I'll clean shit after I use it."

Uryu gave him a thoughtful look. Ichigo looked pensive. Uryu let the soul reaper squirm and stew in his own anxiety for a few more minutes.

"I suppose so." He said at length. "Thank you for your hospitality Chad."

"Not a problem." Chad said walking them to the door.

"And Kurosaki," Uryu began once they exited the building. "you will be sleeping on the couch tonight."

"What?" Ichigo yelled.

"I haven't entirely forgiven you for this escapade." Uryu sniffed. "And I intend to have a word with your little friends too."

Ichigo groaned protesting in a whiny tone. "But Uryu I cleaned everything up like you said."

"It shouldn't have been left in that state in the first place." Uryu said dismissively.

It's not entirely underserved. We did warn you.

_You see what happens when you don't listen to us, King._

Ichigo glowered. Now Zangetsu and even the freaking hollow were taking Uryu's side.

"However," Ichigo snapped his head up and went completely still. "since this is your first and hopefully last" Uryu gave him a pointed look. "offense, I'll let you off."

Ichigo whooped swooping in to give his boyfriend a hug. And a kiss… or two… or three…

"Ichigo, making out in the middle of the street really doesn't do it for me." Uryu said amusement etched onto his face.

Ichigo flushed giving him a little space. "Heh. Sorry. Missed you, ya know?"

Uryu flashed him a grin. "I missed you too. Let's go home shall we?" He asked linking their arms.

Ichigo made a noise of agreement and tried to fight down a blush when Uryu took hold of his arm.

"That Quincy is a demon." Ikkaku muttered with something that sounded dangerously close to fear.

Renji paused in his scrubbing to regard his companion. "I always thought Captain Kuchiki was scary. Now, I don't think I knew what scary was before."

"I take it back. That Quincy is the King of demons." Ikkaku scowled. "Who the hell makes two top seated officers clean house and shampoo their damn carpet?"

"It's amazing what you soul reapers can do when you put your minds to it." Came a taunting voice.

"Speak of the devil." They muttered sourly.

"And he shall appear." Uryu finished startling them.

Renji and Ikkaku visibly started.

Uryu gave them a Cheshire cat grin. "Now what did we learn from this experience, boys?"

"Don't piss off Quincy archers." Ikkaku grumbled peevishly.

Renji slapped him upside the head. "Idiot. Always clean up after yourself."

"Bingo." Uryu smiled. "Now that you've learned your lesson, why don't you stay for dinner?"

"Who's cooking?" They said in unison.

"Hey! I heard that!" Ichigo scowled stomping into the room with an arm full of groceries. "My cooking is not bad!"

"No, it's horrible." Uryu said agreeably taking the bag from him.

"Uryu!" Ichigo protested expecting some support.

"Ichigo, do you like sleeping in the living room?" Uryu drawled.

Ichigo flinched and scuffed his foot. "No." He muttered peevishly.

"Then I'll thank you to stay out of my kitchen." Uryu smirked adjusting his lenses. "Need I remind what happened the last time you attempted to cook something?"

"It was just a small fire!" Ichigo protested. "I put it out before anything else caught."

"And ruined my cabinets, three dish towels, and my favorite frying pan." Uryu commented dryly.

"The hell were you cooking?" Ikkaku asked incredulously.

"He was trying to make grilled cheese." Renji told him. "There wasn't even any oil in the pan and he still caught the cabinets on fire."

"I had to sleep on the couch for a month." Ichigo muttered forlornly.

Uryu left them to their musing as he answered a knock at the door.

"You must be looking for Ikkaku and Renji." Uryu motioned Rukia and Yumichika into the house.

"This place really looks nice, Uryu." Rukia said looking all around.

"It's hard to believe Ikkaku cleaned something without destroying it." Yumichika mused with a smirk.

"Hey!" Ikkaku scowled.

"It's true." Yumichika said breezily.

"We were just about to make dinner would you care to join us?" Uryu offered graciously.

"You're not letting Ichigo cook are you?" Yumichika asked with a pointed glance.

"Did Ichigo cook something really bad?" Rukia asked wondering about the comment.

"No, he just almost burned down the kitchen doing it." Renji answered.

"It wasn't that bad!" Ichigo protested scowling.

"Dude if you slept on the couch for a month it was bad." Ikkaku deadpanned.

Ichigo scowled grumbling obscenities under his breath.

"Ichigo is undergoing some domestic retraining." Orihime said from the open door way.

Ichigo's mouth fell open. "You did not just say that!"

"That's what Uryu said." Orihime replied innocently.

"He did say that." Chad confirmed.

Ichigo made a strangled sound cheeks flaming bright red.

"I started watching that show you loaned me." Chad said to Uryu. "I really liked it."

"What did you borrow?" Rukia asked curiously.

"Stargate SG1." Chad told her.

"If you like any of the Star Treks or MacGyver, you'll like it." Yumichika told her.

Ichigo continued to stare openmouthed as his so called friends devolved into pointless movie chatter.

"Think of it this way Ichigo." Uryu whispered in his ear causing him to jump at the clos proximity. "You'll never have to sleep on the couch again."

_Do what the Quincy says, King._

We grow tired of the rain.

Damn it to hell they were taking sides against him! And worse than that he agreed with them! Shit! Talk about being Quincy whipped.

"Quincy whipped?"

Ichigo realized too late that he'd said that last part out loud.

"I like the sound of that." Uryu smirked leaning against the kitchen door.

"Wait until Kenpachi hears about his!" Ikkaku cackled evilly.

Uryu coughed into his hand to draw attention to himself. "You boys did such a good job today I was thinking about keeping you on… permanently."

Renji paled at the veiled threat. "I didn't hear shit!"

Ikkaku gulped. "Me either." He scratched the back of his head nervously.

"Guess I'm not the only one that's Quincy whipped." Ichigo muttered under his breath.


End file.
